Uhh.. What are you doing?

So I was staying with a friend when the family and I went to SoCal on a trip. My friends were gracious enough to let us stay in their bed while they slept on the couch. One night around 2 or so, my buddy got up and had to go to the bathroom. Forgetting that he had let us stay in their bedroom, he came waltzing back into their bedroom. (No, we weren’t “in the middle of something”. Get your mind out of the gutter. That’s not where this is going.) We were fast asleep and the next thing I know, he is climbing into bed sort of straddling me. I was a bit concerned to say the least. I looked up at him and asked, “Uhh… what are you doing?” He glanced around and started laughing and left the room. We all had a good laugh for the next 30 minutes or so.

My son’s friend’s feet stink!

So I was staying overnight with the parent’s of a friend when I was on a trip a while back. Unfortunately, I inherited some of the worst parts of my father – mainly foot stank. So, I was at their house in the evening after a long day of being trapped in my shoes. I slipped my shoes off and placed them next to the desk in the bedroom they were letting me stay in. After about 30 minutes or so, I was sitting at the desk on my laptop and the friend’s father comes in to get something off of their computer or something. After a few minutes of standing there, his nose wrinkles up and he asks “What is that smell?”. Embarrased, I told him of my foot problem and how I have been fighting it for a long time and never found a solution.

So after I left there, I thought it was over. But no! A few months later, that friend’s parents come to visit him in a nearby town and I came over to socialize. His dad pulls me aside and says “Hey a buddy told me about a way to get rid of your foot smell.” I about crapped my pants. He tells me about the solution of soaking my feet in Vodka. I couldn’t believe it. Not only did the guy remember that I had a problem with this, but he even went so far as to seek out a solution to the problem! I talked to my friend after his dad left and we laughed and laughed. I could just imagine his dad, going door to door around the neighborhood. “Hi. My son’s friend’s feet stink. Do you have any ideas?”.

Comedy.

P.S. I found a solution. No more stinky feet. Please don’t bother to comment. 🙂

About 3 minutes older than

I came home the other day to find a flyer stuffed in my door frame from a local politician. I don’t like people coming to my door to sell stuff. It’s just rude. But then to have a professional liar try to come and convince me that he’s the guy to vote for, give me a break. Not only was he from the wrong party (I typically align myself with one side of the aisle on political issues), but he was all of about 3 minutes older than my last poop. It’s a really good thing he didn’t find me at home. I might have had to flush him.

When hindsight is consistently 20/20…

it’s time to pull your head out of your butt.

Fat-ass thinks I’m cute!

My friend Kendall and I were flying to San Diego for a business trip and we had to take off in one of those prop-job planes out of our rinky-dink airport here is Bellingham. So we get on this plane whose seats are barely wider than one of Paris Hilton’s thighs and Kendall and I are a couple full size fat-asses. We were seated next to each other on one side, probably causing the plane to lean.

So we are sitting there waiting to take off and the flight attendant is walking down the aisle counting the passengers, which at first I thought was ridiculous because you can barely fit enough people to fill a phone booth on that plane. But then I remembered how big Kendall and I are realized she probably couldn’t see around us. But anyway, just as she passes us I size her up, as I do most fairly attractive women (I know. I am a pig). Feeling she was kind of cute I turned to Kendall and said, “She’s cute.” Kendall about fell out of his seat. He thought for sure I said that too loud and motions for me to keep it down. I laughed and told him, hey, she could only have one of two reactions IF she heard me: 1) take it as a regular compliment and forget about it, or 2) she’d laugh out loud, thinking “Fat ass thinks I’m cute!” Hahahahaha.